“Diary of a Security Guard at Area 51” H. E. Culver #BookSpotlight

Melissa is 26, utterly bored, and isn’t far off from ending it all with a nail gun. 

Her witty, dry and twisted sense of humour gets her through each day. Her diary is an insight to where the ordinary meets the extraordinary, and every desk assessment and alien invasion in-between. Will she reach a truce with Sandra, her arch-rival? 

Will she be able to ditch Colin? And can she coax Fran away from turning into a complete psychopath?

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Diary of a Security Guard at Area 51: Twisted, Hilarious Fictional
Memoir Spills Top Secret Beans of Calamity…

Masterfully crafted from the boundless humour and creativity of Helen Culver, ‘Diary of a Security Guard at Area 51’ embroils readers in the life of Melissa – a bored, disenchanted security guard at the world’s most secure air base. But her life is far from secure, playing out more like an intricate sitcom where every aspect is bastardized with gripping aplomb. Expect love, pranks, kidnapping and even alien viruses…

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United Kingdom – While most authors use their debut release to do nothing but simply test the literary waters, the UK’s Helen Culver is rapidly proving that a first book also presents an opportunity to break new ground. In fact, the clunks, shakes and quivers of her readers can befelt from coast to coast…

Everything unravels in ‘Diary of a Security Guard at Area 51’, which mixes up a cocktail of a fictional memoir, science fiction, comedy and even a touch of romance – all exploding in an unforgettable read based around the lives of those guarding one of the world’s most secretive
places.

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“Through Melissa’s eyes, we explore a colourful and utterly shocking cast of characters who, while supposedly responsible for some of the U.S. Military’s most dangerous and expensive assets, appear to have zero order to their own lives!” explains the author. “From bad relationships and pranks to an eventual kidnapping, brush with aliens and the spread of an extra-terrestrial virus, readers will be pushed to the limits of what their imaginations can handle.” Continuing, “Of course, in the end, it’s all designed to be a good bit of fun. I’ve always been fascinated by how Area 51 and its personnel are kept so secret and elusive…so decided to put my own unique spin on what their lives may be like if we actually got a chance to see into them. Who knows – perhaps it’s all true!”

With the volume’s demand increasing, interested readers are urged to secure their copies without delay.

*Press Review Copies are Available Upon Request
*Helen Culver is Available for Interviews

Contact:
Helen Culver
Email: troypublishing@gmail.com

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Nasty Comments & Crazy People

 

       I would say that this must be the week of the crazies but honestly I seem to draw a fair amount of them most of the time. Usually the nasty comments are mostly on Twitter but it seems they’ve migrated to my blog. Damn it Yay! 

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Wondering why you haven’t seen them? BAN HAMMERED those bastards I don’t approve nasty comments. If you just disagree with me on a book or a subject I won’t censor your comment but if it’s advocating violence or you cussing me out….yeah, I’m probably not going to let it post. 

           I got one the other day on my post about Oklahoma Turnpikes from forever ago (way to creep my page weirdo) that called me a bitch and told me if I didn’t like how things worked I should start ‘slaughtering politicians’…… Uhm…. holy shit this guy has lost his fucking mind Wow that guy is unhinged. I do not now or ever suggest that anyone “slaughters” anyone else….ever. He went from 0 to ape shit immediately.  Calm the heck down bro! Take a chill pill ( do people still say that?). I’d rather just vote out politicians whose policies I don’t agree with. Killing them is a bit harsh…I mean…if I killed every person I didn’t agree with….there wouldn’t be many people left. Plus, I’m a lover not a fighter. Peace is an actual solution people. Oh, and as of now, I’m still legally allowed to complain when politicians do stuff I don’t like. So, I think I’ll raise my voice and not a weapon because murder is a big fucking deal and I’m not about to take someone’s life over the dollar or so I have to pay to drive on a road. I mean, get perspective. 

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As if that wasn’t crazy enough, I’ve received about 20 emails from some guy pervert  asking me to review his graphic erotic novel……NO means NO fella. Just….read my damn review policy and these types of crazy situations won’t happen. When I said no he got his panties in a bunch upset and said it’s my fault his book can’t get any reviews…..dude, I’m not responsible for what other reviewers are telling you. 

To top all of that off, when I was mowing my backyard yesterday a rabid probably rabies infested tiny mouse ran up my BARE LEG till he got to the edge of my shorts and ran back down and away. So, I’m probably going to die thankful he didn’t decide inside my shorts looked like a path he wanted to take. 

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Oh, and I found a dead mole on my doorstep this morning. So, yeah. Good times.

 

Book Review “Bizzarma – How I Became A Hippy Without Really Trying” Douglas B. Wood

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Bizzarma is a true story that spans from the 1950’s “Leave it to Beaver” American Dream era to the political and drug charged 1960’s and 1970’s. Hyped by iconic musicians like The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix and Bob Dylan; Doug went where the wind blew him and experienced the world with LSD bright eyes. This baby-boomer fell into a world rife with discord and did his best to make his own mark on the era. Sometimes hilarious, very colorful and painfully honest – Doug narrates his life for the world. 

(Note: Since there is no summary on Amazon, I wrote my own version.)

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I would like to begin by making a few of my concerns about this book known. First is the cover, obviously it’s a lot of naked people. I hope that those who are in this picture were asked and approved this picture to be shared with the masses.While the picture is blurry and faces are not easy to make out, a picture like this could mean the end of someone’s career. I believe that the people in the picture were happy to be photographed all those years ago, but their opinions may not be as open now. I am also aware that most people in this picture are probably considered elderly and may not of been easy to contact. I strongly advise the author to choose a different cover. In my opinion, this cover is misleading and could turn away people who would otherwise of enjoyed the story. The person reading this would have to consider (due to the nudity) that this is not a book that can be read everywhere.  My second concern is that this book has no summary listed on Amazon and the book isn’t listed at all on Goodreads. These oversights will cost Doug exposure and make it hard for consumers to make informed choices. 

Doug has a real gift for storytelling and I love his style of narration. It felt very much like sitting in someones living room and having a conversation. I especially enjoyed the pictures! It’s always good to have a face to put with the name. (As long as its approved)  His disregard for the educational system is understood and I feel for all the adults in his life who were trying desperately to convince him to get his diploma. While the educational system has many flaws it is still an important institution in our society. I am too young to know much about how the educational system operated then but I can imagine that it, like now, had its flaws.

Another thing I would like to point out is the honestly with which Doug speaks of drugs. He clearly disregarded the long term or even short term risks while taking them and as a young man I understood that it was hard for him to think much past his current state. I wonder how odd it felt for him to write those passages in the story. Did he, as an adult, look back on his young self and cringe as most of us would today? He could have fallen deep into addiction but didn’t. When I speak of drugs, I am mainly talking about the LSD. I don’t consider Marijuana a drug, dangerous or addictive. 

Religion, to me, is another kind of addiction. I would like to thank Doug for his candor in explaining his delusions. Since he was deep in the thralls of LSD, I find it hard to take much of what he said about the “physic” at face value. What gets me is that while in the mental hospital, after coming down from the LSD, his delusions of religion persisted but the rest of his mind appeared sharp. I found that interesting and appreciate the look into that mindset that Doug gave.

One great lesson that I learned from this book was how we can change who someone really is in our minds. We create this ideal of who they are because we want them to be a certain way. Often these delusions are incorrect and very unfair to all parties.

Something I would like to see from this author is his perspective on  more current events. With his experiences, how does he feel about the direction the political winds have shifted? Maybe “The Baby Boomers Thoughts” or something fun like that. *hint* *hint* 

I enjoy reading memoirs. I enjoy learning about another person’s experiences. I enjoy riding along as they hit their lows and their highs. It’s fascinating to me to see how each person overcomes obstacles in different ways. 

Doug sounds like a very interesting person and his sense of humor is entertaining to say the least. What a personality!

4 stars!

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The Technical Data:

Title: Bizzarma – How I Became A Hippy Without Really Trying | Series: N/A  |  Author(s): Douglas B. Wood  |Publisher:  Alpha Graphics / Publication Date: 2009 |Pages: 244 (Print) | ISBN: B006KHPF5W  |Genre(s): Hippy & Memoirs |Language: English |Rating: 4 out of 5 |  Date Read: 12-05-2016 |Source: Copy from author.

Book Review “Moonstone Beach” Linda Seed

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Kate Bennet owns a small bookstore in Cambria, California—the kind of shop that smells like mildew, furniture wax, and old pages, the kind where you’ll find a cat napping atop the used biographies. Two years out from a divorce that left her emotionally fragile, Kate is starting to think that maybe she’s ready for love again—or at least for a fling with a hot man. Jackson Graham is a local chef who’s controlling when it comes to food, careless when it comes to women, and temperamental when it comes to just about everything. When Kate’s friends mobilize to set things up between Kate and Jackson, she expects some casual pleasure followed by a hasty goodbye, but Jackson’s long-term crush on Kate means that he’s in this one to win. The problem is, neither he nor Kate knows whether he can change the self-defeating habits that usually send women scurrying for the door as soon as the afterglow fades. Throw in a beautiful backdrop of rocky beaches and rugged coastline, a manipulative father, a Mary Kay–pushing stepmother, a yapping Pomeranian, and a nervous ring-tailed lemur, and you’ve got Moonstone Beach, the first contemporary romance in a series of four about Kate and her friends, Gen, Lacy, and Rose.

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“Moonstone Beach” is what I would call the perfect beach (or poolside) read. Each character is like someone you know (or wish you did). Cambria sounds like a beautiful little town and the camaraderie of those who inhabit it brings a coziness to the story.  

Seed writes her characters lovingly. From Kate’s inner circle to those who skim it each encounter is written with the aura of love. It’s clear that these characters hold significance to Seed and her love for them will bleed to the reader almost from page one.  

While the story is reliably romantic it’s also pretty funny in places. There aren’t any real surprises. That’s not to say that the story is dull because it definitely isn’t. Those who favor this genre will guess the ending fairly easy. It’s a feel good book and it does it’s job well. 

Seed set the groundwork for the next book in this one in a really clever way. No cliff hangers but a little look into who the next main characters may be. I will definitely buy the next book.

The story is sweet and realistic. The characters lovable and genuine. The tourist picturesque setting is a perfect back drop for the romance and brings a real softness and summery feel to the story. I had the whole range of warm fuzzies while reading and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

I loved the familiarity of this book and rate it at 5 stars.

5 stars

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The Technical Data:

Title: Moonstone Beach | Series: Main Street Merchchants  |  Author(s): Linda Seed  |Publisher: Create Space Independent Publishing / Publication Date: 10-21-2015 |Pages: 286 (Print) | ISBN:  978-1518628917  |Genre(s): Romance / Romantic Comedy |Language: English |Rating: 5 out of 5 |  Date Read: 11-4-2016 |Source: Copy from author.

About The Author

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Linda Seed is a former journalist with more than 15 years in the news business at publications including the San Diego Union-Tribune and the Ventura County Star. She began writing fiction at age 16, and published her first novel more than thirty years later. She works as a freelance fiction editor for independent authors. Linda lives in Riverside County, California, with her husband, art writer John Seed, and their three children.

Guest Post- Steven Scaffardi “Soundtrack For The Flood”

Steven Scaffardi is the author of the Sex, Love and Dating Disaster series. His first novel, The Drought, is the laugh-out-loud tale of one man’s quest to overcome the throes of a sexual drought. After the stormy break-up with his girlfriend of three years, Dan Hilles is faced with the daunting task of throwing himself back into the life of a single man. With the help of his three best pals, Dan is desperate and determined to get his leg-over with hilarious consequences!

 The Drought and his new novel The Flood – a comedy about one man trying to juggle four women at the same time – are both available for just 99p on the Kindle at Amazon.

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Follow all of the fun on his blog tour by following him on Twitter @SteveScaffardi or by using the hashtag #LadLitBlogTour. More information about Steven and his books can be found on his blog.

 

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Soundtrack for The Flood

 

Yesterday the Lad Lit Blog Tour was at the Food For Bookworms blog where I explained that over the last six weeks, a few bloggers had asked me about my writing habits. I have mentioned previously that music plays a big part in coming up with ideas, and I normally try to create a soundtrack for my books.

Yesterday I revealed five of the songs that made the playlist for The Drought, and today at Allie’s Opinions I wanted to tell you about five songs that inspired me to write certain chapters and storylines in my new book, The Flood.

 This is an exclusive for Allie’s Opinion’s as I have not written or said this list out loud to anyone else before!

 

  1. The Flood by Take That

This is probably an obvious one! The title of the book is The Flood, and this Take That song has the same name too. It’s not rocket science! But there is a little bit more to it than just that. As you might remember, this was the first song Take That had done as a five piece for a long time. In The Flood, Dan and his three best friends (Rob, Jack and Ollie) have a new member, Ieuan, join their gang. In a way, that made this song a little more relevant.

  1. In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins

Jack has a bit of an unhealthy obsession with quoting Phil Collins songs throughout the book, although he refers to the former Genesis man as Filth Collins. In the scene where Dan sees Grace again for the first time, Jack uses the lyrics of In The Air Tonight to encourage Dan to make his move, even playing air drums to that famous drum solo from the song. Another Collins number that plays a part in the book comes at the end, when Jack puts Sussudio on the radio.

 

  1. She’s Out Of My Life by Michael Jackson

One of the main themes throughout the book is Dan’s head and heart going back and forth over Kelly. He can’t seem to make up his mind whether she is the one or not. There is a scene where Dan is trying to explain his feelings to his friends in the pub, and like any group of male mates, instead of taking his words seriously, they decide to take the micky and break out into this Michael Jackson classic.

 

  1. It Wasn’t Me by Shaggy

At the heart of the story is a drunken bet Dan makes with his best friends that he is capable of dating multiple girls at the same time. Of course, Dan is completely out of his depth, and the fact that he ends up dating a stalker, his crazy ex-girlfriend, the office ice queen, and the one that got away, makes things all the more difficult. As Dan tries to keep the four girls from finding out from each other, this song became the perfect anthem.

 

  1. Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now by Starship

One of the earliest reviews for The Flood came from author Clint Forgy who said: “Funniest bar fight scene in the history of literature. I laughed so hard I woke up my snoring girlfriend.” The scene he is referring to is a chapter where the boys end up in a bar in Nottingham and get themselves into a spot of bother. I won’t give anything away, but this song plays a big part in the bar fight scene…

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WTF Medical Billing

Last year I had the audacity to have a baby at a *gasp* hospital.  This, I think, is where I f*cked up.

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Like a good little mommy to be I did everything the way I was supposed to do it. I saw a midwife from the very beginning of the pregnancy. I went to every single scheduled visit. I peed in a cup when they asked and drank that god awful orange crap to test for diabetes. I offered up my flesh to the blood sucking syringe without complaint.

I paid the midwife fees and my insurance deductible months before the baby was born.

This whole thing should have been smooth sailing.

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Not surprisingly, because this is America, literally everything that could go wrong went really….REALLY wrong.

 About a month after my daughter was born we started receiving these ridiculous bills. Some of the bills were for services and (WTF) surgeries that weren’t performed.

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After 5 MONTHS of sending fax after fax, calling 506,444 different offices, being told we had a credit of 1,300 dollars and then being told we owed 2,500 dollars, we finally narrowed down the problem.

This may get confusing.

The midwifes office required us to pay our entire deductible as well as their office fees upfront to their office.

We did that, as asked.

The midwife’s office and the hospital although owned by the same company are different entities of the company that don’t cross.  This means that while in the hospital you get billed for the use of equipment and supplies from one place and the actual doctors and nurses from another.

The Midwives office kept all of the money.

Instead of taking their part out and sending the rest in as our deductible ( like they should have ) they took their share and just left the money in my “account” floating in limbo as some kind of a “credit”.

Now, I’m having to convince the refund office to refund my money so I can pay the damn hospital.

You heard that right, I have to CONVINCE them to return my own money.

I still don’t have it.

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WWW Wednesday – May 18th 2016

Welcome to WWW Wednesday! This prompt comes from Sam over at Taking On A World Of Words. Leave a comment with your list or a link to your blog! Click on the covers for more information about each book.

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What are the three W’s?

What are you currently reading?

What did you recently finish reading?

What are you reading next?

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Currently Reading

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A Vagrant at the house of love coverThe Golden Spark Cover

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Completed 

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Loved it! Check out my review! “Simply The Wildside”

Eboracum Cover

I could rave for a long time about how awesome this book is! Check out my review!

“Eboracum Review”

The Keeper and the rulership cover

This is a very unique dystopian society. I definitely suggest reading it.

“The Keeper and the Rulership Review”

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Read a lot like a historical novel. 

“Eclipsed by Shadow Review”

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Just finished it! Adorable story! Review will be released soon!

Next On The List

Into The Dark Cover  Inside The Mirrors Cover  Out of the tower cover

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What’s on your list?

Top Ten Tuesday – Books That Will Make You Laugh

Today’s Top Ten Tuesday prompt comes from “The Broke and the Bookish”

I don’t read a whole lot of funny books so, I think ten is shooting a bit high. Instead, I’ll aim for five. These books are in no particular order. 

Click the covers for more information about each book.

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1: Not Your Mother’s Goose

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This book had just the right amount of sarcasm and sass. I really enjoyed it. To see the review I wrote, click on the title “Not Your Mother’s Goose”.

2: Why Do Men Have Nipples?: Hundreds of Questions You’d Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini

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I confess, I have not yet read this book. Honestly though, with a title like that… how could you resist?

3: The Insect Hotel

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This book has both humor and life lessons. It’s written for children but is also enjoyable for the adult. To see the review I wrote, click the title “The Insect Hotel”.

4: Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

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This is another one I have yet to read. It’s hanging out on my really freaking long to-read list. Ah, the problems of a book blogger. So many books and not near enough time.

5: Hyperbole and a Half

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This is another one on my to-read shelf. I’m looking forward to eventually reading it. *Looks at mountain of to-read books* Someday…someday I will conquer them.


 

What books have made you laugh out loud ( literally )? Let me know! I’ll add them to the mountain of to-read books I will eventually be crushed under! 

Book Review “Not Your Mother’s Goose” by Topher Goggin

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Click Here To Buy! 

Not Your Mother’s Goose proves that fairy tales and nursery rhymes aren’t just for kids anymore. Envision it as the Cliffs Notes of children’s stories — if Cliffs Notes was overtaken by Dave Barry or the folks at The Onion. Not Your Mother’s Goose is a series of totally irreverent, mega-sarcastic fairy tale recaps, along with a host of hilarious fake news stories and headlines ranging from Rapunzel getting a bikini wax to Old MacDonald bombing on Wheel of Fortune after only buying vowels. Mix in illustrations reminiscent of Gary Larson’s classic Far Side cartoons, and you’re left with a madcap read that will leave you laughing all the way from Rumpelstiltskin’s Twitter feed to Humpty Dumpty’s Facebook page (where Jack is still trying to grow a beanstalk—in FarmVille).


I can honestly say I laughed out loud multiple times while reading this. From the very sarcastic re-cap of Bambi to the Facebook and Twitter pages of Rumpelstiltskin I promise you will laugh until you cry. Happy tears of course.

I am a sarcastic person so this was right up my alley (pun intended). There was just enough inappropriateness sprinkled here and there to keep it funny without being too crass.

The re-telling of each story is unique and creative. Even the “reviews” on the back of the book are hilarious.

This whole book is just what you need on a crap day to lighten the mood and laugh a little. 

I love how this book pulls no punches. It hits on all kinds of characters from the real world to the world of pretend. You have O. J. Simpson, a dig on the Jehovah’s Witness’, Rachel Ray and even Abraham Lincoln is mentioned. 

It’s a lot like walking into the best comedy club ever. 

I give this exciting piece of hilarity 5 stars!

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The Technical Data:

Title: Not Your Mother’s Goose | Author(s): Topher Groggin |

Publisher:  CRD Press / Publication Date: 6-29-2015 |Pages: 68 (Kindle Edition) |
ISBN: B010NXY7JI  | Genre(s): Humor / Fairy Tales |Language:English |Rating: 5 out of 5 |  Date Read: 4-12-2016 | Source: Copy From Author

Hubby Wednesday’s “Thou Shall Not Eat Baby Formula Powder”

Here at the Sumner house we have been missing out on a load of sleep. We have this situation called…Living With A Newborn.

This particular princess wants to eat on average every 45 mins to an hour. ALL DAY LONG. My boobs just can’t keep up. So, we are having to supplement with formula.

Now that you have this knowledge I’ll regale you with a tale most humorous ( and not the bone).


 

It was Daniel’s shift for Princess duty. 

Fianna woke up and was hangry. For those of you not accustomed to the slang of america’s youth…that means hungry and angry. FYI.

She was squalling her tiny baby lungs out.

Daniel in his semi awake state was in the kitchen attempting to make a bottle to appease princess Fianna.

Daniel likes to work out. He is BUFF. ( I’m his wife, I can brag lol) So, those tiny scoopers are no stranger to him.

In his very sleep deprived state he automatically puts the scooper full of formula IN HIS MOUTH. His MOUTH people. Straight powder.

This is about the time my sweet husband realized the extreme folly of his actions. This is when instant re-fucking-gret hit my poor hubs.

THAT CRAP IS NASTY!

As he was becoming more human than sleep zombie he tried to decide if swallowing or walking to the sink was going to be worse. He chose to spit.

Take that as you will.

Thus we have the story of a poor sleep deprived man just trying to take get some foods for his tiny daughter. Life is rough man. Life is rough.